


Cold World

by Thatsarcasticidiot



Series: Sad [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, btw I’m sorry guys i made winwin an asshole, i might delete this I’m not sure, this is is shitty oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 19:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16248059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsarcasticidiot/pseuds/Thatsarcasticidiot
Summary: The demons are back and stronger than ever. They’re looking for a fight, looking to win, and this timeRenjunmight just let them.- k.c.w





	Cold World

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I don’t really know if I want to continue the sad series or not because I feel like it might be getting a bit boring for yall, but just let me know if you want me to continue this umm bye (btw I think this is the shittiest fic of the whole sad series sorry man)

Renjun doesn’t cry. He never cries even if he’s always sad, but he cried today. He doesn’t even know why, but he did. Renjun’s dam is about to break.

Renjun cares too much about everything, from his grades, to people who don’t even deserve it. He can’t stop himself from falling, even if he knows it’ll just hurt him when the time comes. It felt nice though, being in love, the giddiness that stuck with him throughout the day, the butterflies that swarmed in his stomach every time he looked _his_ direction. Winwin, his elder brother’s best friend. Winwin seemed to like him too, the two boys forming a bond even closer than Winwin’s with his older brother. Renjun was pathetically in love, and the embarrassment he feels when he thinks about how much of a fool he must have made of himself is painfully scalding.

He doesn’t know what gave him the balls to confess, but he wishes that whatever gave them to him took them back, because the heartbreak wasn’t worth it. Winwin did not let him down easy whatsoever, openly expressing his views on how homosexuality was disgusting and something to be ashamed of. Renjun’s heart broke a little with every word. He felt so destroyed, not only have been rejected, but embarrassed as well. Renjun cried himself to sleep that day. Winwin spread the word like wildfire, and in as conservative a society as the one he lived in, being gay was not something that was taken lightly. People Renjun thought would stay by him until the bitter end, immediately began avoiding him, not wanting their name tarnished too. Renjun had lost all of his friends within a week. His brother did nothing and continued his friendship with Winwin. Fuck family first.

Renjun supposed if he was in his brother’s shoes, he wouldn’t choose himself over Winwin either, so he doesn’t exactly blame him. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less though. He was an embarrassment to his entire family, and a version of his brother gone terribly wrong. His friends and family hated him, and he guesses he can relate, because he hates himself too. The bullying was viscous, and he couldn’t so much as look at another guy before being verbally abused and made into a human spectacle. They took joy in Renjun’s misery. Winwin possibly the most.

Renjun stopped seeing the point of things a long time ago. He used to actively take part in art, and it used to be the one thing that could console him after a particularly shitty day, but there was no point now. Renjun couldn’t care less if he was never to draw again. Art was his air, and now he doesn’t mind suffocating. He tried to tell his parents, but was met with “You have nothing to be stressed about.” and speeches about how difficult it was for them when they were his age. Renjun stopped trying. He finds it hard to plan for a future he didn’t even think he was going to be around for, much less be excited for it. The thought of life after school petrified him, almost more than life during school. The outside world was a scary place and Renjun was barely surviving now. He began seeing his life as if he were submerged in a bowl of water; everything fuzzy and indistinguishable. Time blurred, and whole days, weeks, were as insignificant as minutes. Renjun hates this. He hates his life.

He met Jeno when the boy transferred to his school. They had described him as an intimidating delinquent who had been moved from school to school. He was an interesting character in Renjun’s eyes; simply because Renjun had never met anyone as terrifyingly reckless as him.

They became fast friends, everyone steering clear of the scary kid and the gay guy, leaving them alone to each other’s company. It was a nice change from being alone from the time he woke up, to the time he closed his eyes. Jeno was inevitably picked on and called many homophobic slurs too, to which he told them, “you’ve got it all wrong, I’m actually bi.”, sicking his middle fingers up at them as he turned and left. At that, Renjun laughed at school for the first time in a long fucking time. However, even behind his persona, Renjun can tell that something bothers Jeno greatly and follows him like a shadow, but the first and last time he asked, he was shut down almost immediately, met with cold replies and short, clipped words. 

Jeno was a daredevil, a risk taker, which was clearly visible in the way he talked and acted, obviously not putting much thought before he talked and never taking anything seriously. Crossing the road, he never looked before he did so, something that seems so minor, but had nearly got him killed countless times. Renjun really began to see what was going on inside his mind, behind the mask that revealed nothing, when he yelled at Jeno after, yet again, nearly being hit by a car.

“You could have been killed.” Renjun was raising his voice now, not caring about the fact that people were clearly staring. Jeno looked at him for a long time, face set in stone before pulling his arm out of Renjun’s grasp violently, and biting out a harsh, “So what?”

Renjun honestly should have been surprised, he really should have, but at the point of life he’s in now, nothing really shocks him. He had nothing to say to that though, _why?_ Renjun has an idea as to why. _You should care about things like that?_ It would be rather hypocritical of Renjun to say that, and he knows Jeno would call him out of that with no qualms, and the absolute worst thing for Renjun to give would be pity, knowing full well that Jeno doesn’t need anything like that and it would just piss him off further, so he just opted for silence, walking ahead, Jeno allowing him to catch up in his own time.

-

A lot of what Renjun sees, he believes and applies to his own situations, and makes himself feel terrible over things he shouldn’t.

There are people going through worse. That’s something he feels guilty over a lot. Renjun feels like this over nothing, he wants to die over nothing, he hates his life over nothing, when there’s people out there with no food and no water. There are people who have it worse. Renjun remembers Sicheng often telling him that _pain cannot be compared_ , but with all that’s happened, Renjun isn’t sure whether to believe his words anymore.

Renjun is an attention seeker, and isn’t really depressed, just likes to think so. That’s another one. He shouldn’t be diagnosing himself because it _disrespects_ others who are actually going through hell. That’s what he’s been told by everyone around him. It sucks that he believes it now. 

It’s too much, but he knows he’s barely been through anything. Maybe this wasn’t a battle Renjun was meant to win. Renjun wants it to stop, and that’s where he and Jeno differ. Jeno doesn’t care if he lives or dies. Renjun wants to die.


End file.
